Your
twenties are generally the time when
you and
probably your partner set up a home.
This brings with it several " pinch" points, such as leaving
home, establishing your independence, and financial changes.
Here again you react to these pinch
points
according to your emotional
makeup.
Did you leave home proper, or does your mum still do your
ironing/washing/cooking?
Are you constrained by what your parents might think ?
instead of what your partner thinks?
How do you deal with events such as Xmas Day--which Mum do you
disappoint or do you try to keep both happy and fall between
two stools?
Do
you spend "too much" time at work? Is it
because you are trying to climb the ladder, or is it because you don't
want to go home? Or is work easier to handle than being at home?
Don't forget that a large proportion of new relationships start at work.
Are the "cute" things your partner
does,becoming an item of contention? Leaving toilet seat up, socks on
the floor, top off the toothpaste or your equivalent. How do you deal
with them? Sulk,explode,talk, and how does your partner react?
Has sex diminished from 3
times a night to once
a week? Who initiates sex? You-always? Is
that
alright? With both of you?
As
you can see there are more questions than answers.That's because the
answers are yours, your solutions are unique. You can only find them by
asking the questions, honestly,both of yourself and of each other. Then
by acting on the answers.
BUT, and here is a very important point, the
actions must be agreed between you both.
Its no use if one of you decides unilaterally that its all your fault,
so you will change. It just stores up resentments. It also denies you
the right of owning your own feelings--you are trying to own somebody
elses, thats very controlling, and you must ask yourself the question
"Why am I doing this?" or alternatively "Why am I allowing this to
happen".
Heres a fun article about how not to do it.
7-Step
Foolproof
Guide to Creating a Terrible Relationship
by: Margaret Paul, Ph.D.
No one SAYS
they want a terrible relationship, yet so many people go
about creating them that we need to assume they must WANT them! So,
here's my 7 Step foolproof guide to creating a terrible relationship.
1. TAKE NO RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR OWN FEELINGS
Make sure that you do not take responsibility
for your own feelings
and your own sense of safety and security. Make sure that you ignore
your feelings enough so that you create an empty black hole inside that
needs to be filled up by sex, things, or by someone else's love or
attention.
2. FIND SOMEONE TO DO IT FOR YOU
Look for someone to fill your emptiness,
someone to make you feel
loved, happy, safe and secure. A good way to determine if this is the
right person is if he or she comes on REALLY strong, promising you the
world, or at least great sex.
3. ONCE YOU FIND THE RIGHT PERSON, BE SURE TO
BEHAVE IN ONE OF THE TWO
FOLLOWING WAYS:
A. COMPLETELY GIVE YOURSELF UP
Completely put yourself aside, focusing all
your attention on the
other person's feelings and needs. Your hope is that if you are
wonderful enough and sacrifice yourself enough, the other person will
give you the love you are seeking. Be sure to completely ignore your
own feelings and needs, no matter what the other person does. Be the
best caretaker you can be to try to have control over getting the other
person's love and approval.
B. DEMAND THE OTHER PERSON LIVE UP TO YOUR
EXPECTATIONS
Start slow, gradually building to becoming more
and more demanding
of the other person. If he or she doesn't meet your expectations, be
sure to criticize, blame, chastise, berate, threaten, ignore, yell at,
belittle, lecture, debate, and argue with your partner. Your job is to
gain control over getting the other person to completely give him or
herself up and focus only on filling your emptiness and needs with
their love, approval, attention, sex, devotion, time, and adoration. Be
the best taker you can be, making sure to keep your partner feeling
guilty and responsible for your feelings of security and self-esteem.
4. BE THE VICTIM
As your relationship starts to decline, move
more and more into
thinking and behaving as a victim of the other person's choices. This
will lead to more fights or to distance, lack of passion, lack of fun,
and a complete inability to communicate about anything, even minor
situations. In any discussions, be sure to seek to be right, win your
point, and make your partner wrong. After all, this is a competition
for who is the good one and the right one. Or, just collapse and give
in, a great way to be a victim.
5. WITHDRAW
Start to spend less and less time with your
partner, spending it
alone or with other people, or in front of the TV. Convince yourself
that your misery is completely your partner's fault, and that you
picked the wrong person, again. NEVER EVER take any responsibility for
your own feelings, needs, behavior, and choices. Never forget that you
are the victim.
6. GET YOUR PARTNER INTO COUNSELING
Seek counseling to get your partner to change.
Do NOT enter counseling
to deal with your own controlling behavior of being a taker or
caretaker. Rather, be sure to tell the therapist everything your
partner does wrong, using the therapist's office as just another arena
to prove that you are right and your partner is wrong, or you are the
good one and your partner is the bad one.
7. YOU DID IT!
Congratulations! You have succeeded in creating a terrible
relationship! Now you can miserably and righteously leave your partner
and do the whole thing again! You get to complain to all your friends
about what a terrible person your ex-partner is and get sympathy for
all you've been though. What a reward for all your hard work!
About
The Author
Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling
author and co-author of eight books, including "Do I Have To Give Up Me
To Be Loved By You?" and “Healing Your Aloneness.”
She is the
co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding® healing process.
Learn Inner
Bonding now! Visit her web site for a FREE Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com
or email her at mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com. Phone
Sessions Available.
