OH
NO I'm about to be forty!!!! Where did this fear of the forties come from? Probably from the past when people died in their fifties and sixties so to hit forty meant more behind you than in front. This has changed dramatically in a couple of generations, people regularly reach ninety and even one hundred these days. But still your forties are significant. If you stayed at home looking after children this is the time , generally, when you are thinking about a job, so it becomes a time when you are asking yourself questions about what you can do now. If you had your children young then they probably are getting ready to leave home or have just left. This causes a time of reflection and reassessment--the "empty nest syndrome" is real--you find yourself either consciously or unconsciously, looking at your partner across the dining table and asking yourself "Do I want to spend the rest of my life with you?" The answers then could trigger the actions. Your forties is also the time of the "Midlife Crisis" when you realise you aren't going to get that promotion, that younger people are passing you by and even the policemen are looking younger. Obviously different people react in different ways. Some manage to go through the period of reassessment and carry on as before because it fits ok, or because the alternatives are scary, and risky. For others its the time for affairs---I suppose part of this is about can I still "pull"? am I still attractive to the opposite sex? For some its the excitement of a new relationship, the gamble, the risk makes them feel alive again. But the cost of this is often the existing relationship--leading to divorce, living alone, the guilt and blame that comes with this. Then things move on, new relationships are formed and you are then into step-parent territory, with all the complications of this. The reforming of families is a massive topic in its own right. OK so you've set out the problems but what about the solutions. Aye theres the rub We are all different and want individual solutions. The bad news is THERE IS NO SCRIPT, no path to follow, you have to cut your own way through the jungle. Tips are : number one-- be honest especially with yourself--why are you doing what you are doing? Don't blame your feelings/actions on someone else. We are all responsible for our own actions. Doing nothing sometimes is an OK decision, but only you can decide. number two: its our old friend communication--be clear what you ask for and think about the repurcussions. If you are unhappy in your relationship remember that you are half of it, you have at least fifty percent of the responsibility. And the kicker in this is that maybe your partner is going through the same process--be prepared to take it as well as dishing it out. |
